I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
