Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
