If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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