mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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