I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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