tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
