At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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