I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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