listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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