I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
