five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
