He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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