When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
