ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
