Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
