I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
