My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize