Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
