your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
