I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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