life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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