why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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