I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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