Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize