He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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