i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
