Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
