why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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