I heard we made out
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
