So drunk its hurt
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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