one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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