Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
