I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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