I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
