His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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