I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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