Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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