I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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