You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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