We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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