Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
