just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
where are you?
Hypothermia
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
