shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
