I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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