The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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