its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
His hands were made for my vagina.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
