You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Are my feet made of real feet?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
