when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
