You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
