literally had 100 drinks last night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
