I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Say something about gay babies.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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