I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize