i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
