i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
