Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
