I hate all girls vehemently.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize