We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
