my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
