I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
