Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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