Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
