we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
